3 December 2020 Phyllis Diller There’s so little money in my bank account, my scenic checks show a ghetto.
3 December 2020 Phyllis Diller The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
3 December 2020 Phyllis Diller We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
3 December 2020 Phyllis Diller It’s a good thing that beauty is only skin deep, or I’d be rotten to the core.
3 December 2020 Phyllis Diller Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age – as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
3 December 2020 Phyllis Diller Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.
3 December 2020 Phyllis Diller My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.
3 December 2020 Phyllis Diller My recipe for dealing with anger and frustration: set the kitchen timer for twenty minutes, cry, rant, and rave, and at the sound of the bell, simmer down and go about business as usual.
3 December 2020 Phyllis Diller Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle – keep away from children.
3 December 2020 Phyllis Diller The reason women don’t play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.
3 December 2020 Phyllis Diller What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.
3 December 2020 Phyllis Diller Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.
3 December 2020 Phyllis Diller Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.
