3 December 2020 Groucho Marx I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn’t arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I’m going to be happy in it.
3 December 2020 Groucho Marx The first thing which I can record concerning myself is, that I was born. These are wonderful words. This life, to which neither time nor eternity can bring diminution – this everlasting living soul, began. My mind loses itself in these depths.
3 December 2020 Groucho Marx I’m leaving because the weather is too good. I hate London when it’s not raining.
3 December 2020 Groucho Marx Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog it’s too dark to read.
3 December 2020 Groucho Marx I’m not feeling very well – I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course.
3 December 2020 Groucho Marx Well, Art is Art, isn’t it? Still, on the other hand, water is water. And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now you tell me what you know.
3 December 2020 Groucho Marx It isn’t necessary to have relatives in Kansas City in order to be unhappy.
3 December 2020 Groucho Marx I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.
3 December 2020 Groucho Marx Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him.
3 December 2020 Groucho Marx One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I’ll never know.
3 December 2020 Groucho Marx Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?
3 December 2020 Groucho Marx Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies.
3 December 2020 Groucho Marx A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.
3 December 2020 Groucho Marx I must say I find television very educational. The minute somebody turns it on, I go to the library and read a good book.
3 December 2020 Groucho Marx The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you’ve got it made.
