3 December 2020 Steven Wright I bought some instant water one time but I didn’t know what to add to it.
3 December 2020 Steven Wright My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It’s in the apartment somewhere.
3 December 2020 Steven Wright For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier… I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.
3 December 2020 Steven Wright I think God’s going to come down and pull civilization over for speeding.
3 December 2020 Steven Wright When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, ‘Did you sleep good?’ I said ‘No, I made a few mistakes.’
3 December 2020 Steven Wright I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.
3 December 2020 Steven Wright I have an answering machine in my car. It says, I’m home now. But leave a message and I’ll call when I’m out.
3 December 2020 Steven Wright I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I’m the only one moving.
3 December 2020 Steven Wright I went to a restaurant that serves ‘breakfast at any time’. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
3 December 2020 Steven Wright I was a peripheral visionary. I could see the future, but only way off to the side.
3 December 2020 Steven Wright I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn’t park anywhere near the place.
3 December 2020 Steven Wright I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car.
3 December 2020 Steven Wright I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window.
3 December 2020 Steven Wright Babies don’t need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach… it pisses me off! I’ll go over to a little baby and say ‘What are you doing here? You haven’t worked a day in your life!’
3 December 2020 Steven Wright I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.
3 December 2020 Steven Wright I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, ‘What for?’ I said, ‘I’m going to buy some sugar.’
3 December 2020 Steven Wright I saw a bank that said ’24 Hour Banking,’ but I don’t have that much time.
