3 December 2020 P. J. O'Rourke Because of their size, parents may be difficult to discipline properly.
3 December 2020 P. J. O'Rourke The Democrats are the party that says government will make you smarter, taller, richer, and remove the crabgrass on your lawn. The Republicans are the party that says government doesn’t work and then they get elected and prove it.
3 December 2020 P. J. O'Rourke Feeling good about government is like looking on the bright side of any catastrophe. When you quit looking on the bright side, the catastrophe is still there.
3 December 2020 P. J. O'Rourke Ideology, politics and journalism, which luxuriate in failure, are impotent in the face of hope and joy.
3 December 2020 P. J. O'Rourke The mystery of government is not how Washington works but how to make it stop.
3 December 2020 P. J. O'Rourke Little islands of human happiness, peace, and prosperity are so exceptional at this point in history that I’m not even sure we can draw lessons from them.
3 December 2020 P. J. O'Rourke I like to think of my behavior in the sixties as a ‘learning experience.’ Then again, I like to think of anything stupid I’ve done as a ‘learning experience.’ It makes me feel less stupid.
3 December 2020 P. J. O'Rourke Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys.
3 December 2020 P. J. O'Rourke People are always angry at America. They’re absolutely certain that America either caused their problems or is deliberately not fixing their problems. But the anger is always directed at America and never at Americans.
3 December 2020 P. J. O'Rourke One of the enduring problems with certain societies in the world – and this is certainly true of a lot of places in the Middle East – is that the capacity for self-governance and self-organizing just isn’t there. It has to do with history.
3 December 2020 P. J. O'Rourke Staying married may have long-term benefits. You can elicit much more sympathy from friends over a bad marriage than you ever can from a good divorce.
3 December 2020 P. J. O'Rourke As I get older, all sorts of things become less funny. Once one has children, any cruelty involving children becomes far less amusing than when one was at the mercy of one’s friends’ and relatives’ children.
3 December 2020 P. J. O'Rourke The good news is that, according to the Obama administration, the rich will pay for everything. The bad news is that, according to the Obama administration, you’re rich.
3 December 2020 P. J. O'Rourke Even very young children need to be informed about dying. Explain the concept of death very carefully to your child. This will make threatening him with it much more effective.
3 December 2020 P. J. O'Rourke If you are young and you drink a great deal it will spoil your health, slow your mind, make you fat – in other words, turn you into an adult.
3 December 2020 P. J. O'Rourke In our brief national history we have shot four of our presidents, worried five of them to death, impeached one and hounded another out of office. And when all else fails, we hold an election and assassinate their character.
3 December 2020 P. J. O'Rourke My wife and I both come from Irish families. There are two kinds of Irish families: the hitting kind and the kidding kind. If you’re fortunate – and both of us are – you come from the kidding kind of Irish family.
3 December 2020 P. J. O'Rourke Whatever it is that the government does, sensible Americans would prefer that the government does it to somebody else. This is the idea behind foreign policy.
3 December 2020 P. J. O'Rourke There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL convertible.
3 December 2020 P. J. O'Rourke Always read something that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it.
3 December 2020 P. J. O'Rourke Let’s reintroduce corporal punishment in the schools – and use it on the teachers.
3 December 2020 P. J. O'Rourke Family love is messy, clinging, and of an annoying and repetitive pattern, like bad wallpaper.
3 December 2020 P. J. O'Rourke Politics are for foreigners with their endless wrongs and paltry rights. Politics are a lousy way to get things done. Politics are, like God’s infinite mercy, a last resort.
