3 December 2020 Mitch Hedberg I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.
3 December 2020 Mitch Hedberg I don’t have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who’d be mad at me for saying that.
3 December 2020 Mitch Hedberg I like refried beans. That’s why I wanna try fried beans, because maybe they’re just as good and we’re just wasting time. You don’t have to fry them again after all.
3 December 2020 Mitch Hedberg If my kid couldn’t draw I’d make sure that my kitchen magnets didn’t work.
3 December 2020 Mitch Hedberg I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn’t work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.
3 December 2020 Mitch Hedberg Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8? That joke came off the top of my head, and the top of my head ain’t funny!
3 December 2020 Mitch Hedberg I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car’s headlights and tell you exactly which way it’s coming.
3 December 2020 Mitch Hedberg I’m a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who have saved someone’s life.
3 December 2020 Mitch Hedberg I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn’t have one. So I got a cake.
3 December 2020 Mitch Hedberg I’d like to get four people who do cart wheels very good, and make a cart.
3 December 2020 Mitch Hedberg Rice is great if you’re really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.
3 December 2020 Mitch Hedberg The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I’ll never be as good as a wall.
3 December 2020 Mitch Hedberg I love blackjack. But I’m not addicted to gambling. I’m addicted to sitting in a semi circle.
3 December 2020 Mitch Hedberg I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re goin’, and hook up with them later.
3 December 2020 Mitch Hedberg Every time I go and shave, I assume there’s someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, ‘I’m gonna go shave, too.’
3 December 2020 Mitch Hedberg Y’know, you can’t please all the people all the time… and last night, all those people were at my show.
