3 December 2020 Joan Rivers I’m Jewish. I don’t work out. If God had wanted us to bend over, He would have put diamonds on the floor.
3 December 2020 Joan Rivers Yeah, I read history. But it doesn’t make you nice. Hitler read history, too.
3 December 2020 Joan Rivers Don’t follow any advice, no matter how good, until you feel as deeply in your spirit as you think in your mind that the counsel is wise.
3 December 2020 Joan Rivers What are people going to do? Fire me? I’ve been fired before. Not book me? I’ve been out of work before. I don’t care.
3 December 2020 Joan Rivers People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.
3 December 2020 Joan Rivers Thank God we’re living in a country where the sky’s the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.
3 December 2020 Joan Rivers I blame my mother for my poor sex life. All she told me was ‘the man goes on top and the woman underneath.’ For three years my husband and I slept in bunk beds.
3 December 2020 Joan Rivers Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is God’s gift, that’s why we call it the present.
3 December 2020 Joan Rivers She doesn’t understand the concept of Roman numerals. She thought we just fought in world war eleven.
3 December 2020 Joan Rivers I think I’m in a business where you have to look good, and it’s totally youth-oriented.
3 December 2020 Joan Rivers I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.
3 December 2020 Joan Rivers Don’t tell your kids you had an easy birth or they won’t respect you. For years I used to wake up my daughter and say, ‘Melissa you ripped me to shreds. Now go back to sleep.’.
3 December 2020 Joan Rivers I don’t excercise. If God had wanted me to bend over, he would have put diamonds on the floor.
3 December 2020 Joan Rivers Comediennes are the lucky ones, because if you’re funny, you can be 125 years old and they will still accept you.
3 December 2020 Joan Rivers I enjoy life when things are happening. I don’t care if it’s good things or bad things. That means you’re alive.
3 December 2020 Joan Rivers I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
