3 December 2020 Demetri Martin Stand-up is like a row boat: it’s fun and romantic when you’re choosing to do it. But if you have no other choice than to be in a row boat it’s not as enjoyable that’s survival.
3 December 2020 Demetri Martin I think it would be cool if you were writing a ransom note on your computer, if the paper clip popped up and said, ‘Looks like you’re writing a ransom note. Need help? You should use more forceful language, you’ll get more money.’
3 December 2020 Demetri Martin The comedians I liked were Bill Cosby and Steven Wright, like just always as a comedic actor. I always liked Gary Larson, who’s really funny for a cartoonist, obviously.
3 December 2020 Demetri Martin I didn’t do improv in college, I never performed, I didn’t do theater either. I was in student government, I was a history major.
3 December 2020 Demetri Martin I think that when you get dressed in the morning, sometimes you’re really making a decision about your behavior for the day. Like if you put on flipflops, you’re saying: ‘Hope I don’t get chased today.’ ‘Be nice to people in sneakers.’
3 December 2020 Demetri Martin Stand up is really fun because if I think of a joke or a funny idea, then I can just go and tell some people and if they laugh, they laugh right away.
3 December 2020 Demetri Martin If I have to move up in a building, I choose the elevator over the escalator. Because one time I was riding the escalator and I tripped. I fell down the stairs for an hour and a half.
3 December 2020 Demetri Martin Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time.
3 December 2020 Demetri Martin For example, I was a White House intern the summer before I dropped out of law school. Everybody knew about it. I’d come home and go to church and everybody would say, ‘Oh, my God. Demetri, you’re working at the White House.’
3 December 2020 Demetri Martin I wanna make a jigsaw puzzle that’s 40,000 pieces. And when you finish it, it says ‘go outside.’
3 December 2020 Demetri Martin I like women, but you can’t always trust them. Some of them are big liars, like this one woman I met who had a dog. I asked her her dog’s name and then I asked, ‘Does he bite?’ and she said, ‘No.’ And I said, ‘So how does he eat?’ Liar!
3 December 2020 Demetri Martin The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly.
3 December 2020 Demetri Martin But what I was going to say was, I just figured I’m going to go boldly in the direction of my dreams, say it as Thoreau would say, and just see where it takes me.
3 December 2020 Demetri Martin I wrapped my Christmas presents early this year, but I used the wrong paper. See, the paper I used said ‘Happy Birthday’ on it. I didn’t want to waste it so I just wrote ‘Jesus’ on it.
3 December 2020 Demetri Martin I like to use ‘I Can’t Believe it’s Not Butter’ on my toast in the morning, because sometimes when I eat breakfast, I like to be incredulous. How was breakfast? Unbelievable.
3 December 2020 Demetri Martin But I found that disappointing people is a good thing, because disapproval is freedom.
3 December 2020 Demetri Martin I used to play sports. Then I realized you can buy trophies. Now I am good at everything.
3 December 2020 Demetri Martin And of course I didn’t make any money from stand up for years, so I had temp jobs. That was the way I made money.
3 December 2020 Demetri Martin And my only rule being if when I wake in the morning I’m looking forward to the things that I have to do that day, then I’m on the right track.
