3 December 2020 Dave Barry The problem with winter sports is that – follow me closely here – they generally take place in winter.
3 December 2020 Dave Barry The only kind of seafood I trust is the fish stick, a totally featureless fish that doesn’t have eyeballs or fins.
3 December 2020 Dave Barry The Internet is the most important single development in the history of human communication since the invention of call waiting.
3 December 2020 Dave Barry The world is full of strange phenomena that cannot be explained by the laws of logic or science. Dennis Rodman is only one example.
3 December 2020 Dave Barry The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion or ethnic background, is that we all believe we are above-average drivers.
3 December 2020 Dave Barry Eating rice cakes is like chewing on a foam coffee cup, only less filling.
3 December 2020 Dave Barry It always rains on tents. Rainstorms will travel thousands of miles, against prevailing winds for the opportunity to rain on a tent.
3 December 2020 Dave Barry Guys are simple… women are not simple and they always assume that men must be just as complicated as they are, only way more mysterious. The whole point is guys are not thinking much. They are just what they appear to be. Tragically.
3 December 2020 Dave Barry The leading cause of death among fashion models is falling through street grates.
3 December 2020 Dave Barry The simple truth is that balding African-American men look cool when they shave their heads, whereas balding white men look like giant thumbs.
3 December 2020 Dave Barry Your modern teenager is not about to listen to advice from an old person, defined as a person who remembers when there was no Velcro.
3 December 2020 Dave Barry As a child, I was more afraid of tetanus shots than, for example, Dracula.
3 December 2020 Dave Barry Never assume that the guy understands that you and he have a relationship.
3 December 2020 Dave Barry I have been a gigantic Rolling Stones fan since approximately the Spanish-American War.
3 December 2020 Dave Barry I want a pit crew… I hate the procedure I currently have to go through when I have car problems.
3 December 2020 Dave Barry It was Public Art, defined as art that is purchased by experts who are not spending their own personal money.
3 December 2020 Dave Barry I would not know how I am supposed to feel about many stories if not for the fact that the TV news personalities make sad faces for sad stories and happy faces for happy stories.
3 December 2020 Dave Barry Once again, we come to the Holiday Season, a deeply religious time that each of us observes, in his own way, by going to the mall of his choice.
3 December 2020 Dave Barry Hobbies of any kind are boring except to people who have the same hobby. This is also true of religion, although you will not find me saying so in print.
3 December 2020 Dave Barry I believe that we parents must encourage our children to become educated, so they can get into a good college that we cannot afford.
3 December 2020 Dave Barry Auto racing is boring except when a car is going at least 172 miles per hour upside down.
3 December 2020 Dave Barry Dogs feel very strongly that they should always go with you in the car, in case the need should arise for them to bark violently at nothing right in your ear.
3 December 2020 Dave Barry I am not the only person who uses his computer mainly for the purpose of diddling with his computer.
3 December 2020 Dave Barry Bill Gates is a very rich man today… and do you want to know why? The answer is one word: versions.
3 December 2020 Dave Barry The information encoded in your DNA determines your unique biological characteristics, such as sex, eye color, age and Social Security number.
3 December 2020 Dave Barry The four building blocks of the universe are fire, water, gravel and vinyl.
3 December 2020 Dave Barry Big business never pays a nickel in taxes, according to Ralph Nader, who represents a big consumer organization that never pays a nickel in taxes.
